Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
