I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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