Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
