Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I just cut my nipple shaving
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
