Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
