I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
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