Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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