the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
