Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Houston, we have a blender
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
