Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
