Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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