One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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