I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
