We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
