I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
