I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
