it was like fucking gandolphs beard
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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