Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
