Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
