im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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