Since when is my name a synonym for head?
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
