How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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