I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
