pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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