I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
