i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
