i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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