i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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