he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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