OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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