The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
