So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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