I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
