Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
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