Sponge bath it is.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
