I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Randomize
