Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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