I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
So vagazzling was a success
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
