Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
