apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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