I bet he comes in French.
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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