I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Watching her eat just hurts me
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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