This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
