Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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