Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
