I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I love you.
Bad choice
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