Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Randomize
