Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
