You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
