During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
