he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
