The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
